I will look back at this moment to figure myself out, figure out what I was going for, what I was thinking. I'll make fun of myself for running after guys I did not understand whatsoever, guys who I thought were so deep and interesting, might have just been plain stupid. Guys who I found mysterious may have just been fucked in the head, just in a different environment. Case in point: Casita de Limon whom I am sure I had a couple of flirty little tete a tete's, not to mention the fucking driving need I get when I am around him to show him that I am the best possible candidate to be his little somethin somethin, you know? We actually had a couple of dates, even if they were during the day, even if they were for silly things, we ate together more than once, we talked at length. I just felt a bit awkward with him at all times, all the time. It's because I liked him and when I like guys I become this silent, complacent QUIET girl whom I hate. She's like the inner nanny ego girl I hate. Callate housefrau! I hate that timid squeek I become, it's boring and not the real me.