Most people have lofty goals like finish college, join the gym, be more creative; I usally say these things and stay much the same, doing nothing at all. Maybe the problem is that those goals are beyond my reach right now and maybe I should just focus on things that are within my reach like say, I'm going to create a blog where all my ramblings are the product of THC swimming around in my bloodstream. And so there it is. The title is the product of THC in the bloodstream this very morning. The story goes, I made pancakes half of which I added chocolate chips to (Guylain if you're so inclined to know) and the other half the normal variety sans chips. 

M loved the chocolate chip variety while I prefer mine normal, as I feel the chocolate changes the very integrity of the pancake. M loves to fuck with tastes and flavors and added gouda cheese between the two pancakes (one chocolate one normal) which he added maple syrup to as well as butter. Mine were simple, only butter and maple syrup (the fake kind obviously). 

I wonder if this betrays my inner square, the play it by the bookness that I try to keep away from all the time. If I had no control over myself I could easily turn into this square, boring person who chides her friends about certain things and whose mouth can easily have an uptight, downturned smile. Mother says that I have that anal quality my father has. I hate to hear that because my father is the self control, anal king of the world. 

Is it about letting go of control? I find it so hard to do. Even when I am drinking, I usually can tell my tolerance and when I should stop drinking because deep down I just don't want to look like a drunk fool who has lost control of herself. 

I find marijuana to be so much nicer than getting drunk. It's a high that doesn't control me, yet it does relax me a whole lot. I become more open to ideas, more tolerant, dare I say more creative. I'll read this blog later on when I am not high and see if any of what I wrote made sense, or if it rambled on like a convulated river.